Josh's Log:LSAT's and Perseverence

Right now I'm trying to get myself back on track with regards to my LSAT studies.  I ran out of steam, so to speak, for a while there because I lost sight of why I had chosen law in the first place.  Its kind of hard to keep my sights settled on it since I've gone through so many options and now it feels like I've made the decision so suddenly.  That's not actually the case, but it feels that way.  Right now, I just need to stay commited and stay the course (something I'm learning to do rather late in the game).  Its frustrating because its not easy.  I haven't been very good at dealing with that in the past, so I'm developing a new kind of coping mechanism to confront the frustration and meet it with a will to overcome rather than frustration.  Its hard.

 

This is a tight month financially, so I'm also trying to stay frugal with my finances.  All in all, its a stretching period.  Not exactly comfortable, but very very good if I will be obedient.  Thank goodness He is so patient.

 

I was rattled out of my 'groove' of equanimity recently, but I'm back into it now, which is nice.  One less distraction.

 

I bought that book called 'The Golden Compass' that's coming out in theatres soon (maybe it did in the USA already, I don't know.. it hasn't come out here yet).  Its the one with the little girl and the huge polar bear with golden armor in the previews.  It looked interesting, and I find that stories help get me through.  They give you something big and grand from which to draw a little hope and pleasure.. and most importantly, they remind you of what a big and good thing God is doing in the world.  I'm trying to worship God through allegories, since right now its hard to do it in my old familiar way.  There's no church here.. no one speaking in terms of Christ or grace or worship.  Its up to me to keep the vocabulary of my mind and the focus of my heart on Him and His goodness and glory.  For me, religion grows cold when there's no one with whom to share it.  I guess I hope that when I hear these stories, they will keep my heart aware of the greater Story I live in.  I must admit, I've lost my taste for it recently.  Life here in Japan has felt remarkably lacking in any kind of overt success or spiritual affirmation.  I don't see any obvious ways in which I have made a difference or succeeded in changing my community for the better.  Plenty of people like me, but that's not really meaningful in the way that I would like.. in the way that affirms my true value and not just my ego.  I guess its good to be without success for a season, if you wait upon the Lord to show you your value.  Of course, I haven't really been doing that, and I'm thinking about it far more now, when I'm telling you, than in the vast quantities of down-time I float through.

 

All in all, I'm alive, and that feels like a responsibility and a burden sometimes, because I feel like the major obligation in my life, right now, is to discover/choose/mystically attain some grand and glorious power and purpose for my life.  Why I feel so obligated to do so, I don't know.  Somehow I feel guilty and frustrated for not having a clear plan of success for my mortal life.  I think most young men my age feel the same way.  We all want to work our way back into Eden.. somehow we all feel the burden of shame and that drives us to toil our way back into God's good graces.  Its somewhat different for women, but deep down I'm sure it has the same root.  I'm also just really restless and analytical by nature, so that makes me wrestle with these things in my heart even more.

 

I came to Japan because I hoped it would reveal these things in my heart, and it has.  I wouldn't be any healthier just because I could ignore them.

 

Now for the slow boat to China called, "answers".